The Mind, Heart, and Soul of ME

it seems to me that I am always in the air...I am flying every weekend!
This weekend I am going to LA again to do multiple things. I have an interview at a Law Firm to be the executive assistant for the lead partner of the firm! My interview is at 1 pm in LA, so that's 3 pm central time...I would appreciate your prayers! I also have to find an apartment and do that whole thing, and it's Adam's birthday on Sunday so that'll be fun!

I'll be back on Tuesday night, and then I am here until May 20th. At 8:00 am I fly away, I fly to DC and then at 5:45 pm DC time I fly to South Africa! Then I return to the US and go directly to LA arriving at 3:45 pm on June 1st to my new "home"...

I love you all, and I hope I will be able to see all of my Chicago friends before I am gone

ah...the beauty and glory of the process of transformation!

I LOVE CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE!! Small and intimate groups of people, discussing reality and all of the amazing angels and ways of percieving that same reality. It's an endless quest for knowledge, all of us holding a piece of the puzzle, rather all of us being a piece to that puzzle. If we take the time to really listen, we can learn so much, grow so much, share so much, become so much more!
In the conflict resolution training I recently had it was mentioned that the opposite of listening is preparing to speak, and that is so totally true. If you are thinking about what to say you can't possibly be focused on the other person(s) you are communicating with. Consultation is a beautiful thing. Striving to comprehend eachother is a beautiful process. Being able to detach from ego enough to even allow yourself the time and energy to not focus on yourself is a beautiful way to live and the only way to love.

I'm going to LA today...to see Adam, meet his parents, go to his sister's baby shower, find an apartment, job hunt....whew...it's going to be wonderful!!!

So...the time is drawing near! I will be moving to LA in two short months, actually, it's the strangest move I've ever heard of. It won't feel like I'm moving because instead of coming back to Chicago after I go to South Africa I will be flying straight to LA, and that'll be it. I won't have to travel halfway across the country with boxes of things, I won't have to worry about an expensive three day journey, I'll just be there as soon as I get back. Moving on to the next stage of personal, spiritual, emotional, financial, social, etc., developement.

I actually felt obligated to come back to Chicago before moving to LA after South Africa. I mean, were it not for the AMAZING support of everyone in Chicago I wouldn't even be going to Africa in the first place, so I felt I needed to come back to show my appreciation. But then I started thinking about how drained I will be, and how little I will have processed what will have just happened. I won't really know what I will be thanking people for, it would be a "Oh, thanks for sending me to Africa!" rather than actually knowing how it benefit me, how it will assist me on my path of service, etc. Also, it would be at a time where I would be saying by to everyone, trying to gear myself up for a three day treck across the land, being tired and jet-laged, probably wanting to cry a lot (and actually crying a lot), and having to tell people over and over what happened in South Africa...this doesn't sound like a step forward to me, this feels like a reverse move.

I'm moving to LA to progress, and going to South Africa between this stage of my life and the next seems like the smartest decision for me. I will be back at the end of July, and by this time I feel I will have processed the wonderful experiences and be able to eloquently express them as well as the thank you's everyone here deserves. It will mean more from me, so my hope is that it will mean more to you as well...

So that's it! My last day at the Temple is May 18th, and I leave on May 20th bright and early in the morning! I really hope to see everyone before I go!
LOVE LOVE LOVE

I've been a pretty crappy friend to a lot of people lately. I won't make excuses, I won't pretend it hasn't happened...I will say I am sorry I can't be/haven't been what has been expected of me these past few months, but I'm also not sorry at the same time. My entire life up until moving to Chicago was me not existing. I never had an identity. I simply was what everyone in my life, specifically my closest friends and family, told me they needed me to be. This is how I formulated my earliest identity. I was Lindsey, the people pleaser to the millionth degree. I never thought about what would make me happy, what I needed, what I wanted, cuz I didn't even know what any of that was before three years ago. The year before I moved to Chicago I really started learning who I was, what I needed, and most importantly, what would happen to me if I didn't recognize who I truly am. So then came the move, I moved to this beautiful city, with all of these beautiful people, and my home...the Temple. The first year I was here was chalk-full of new experiences, learning to let go of who I thought I was and really delving into who I am supposed to be according to Baha'u'llah's will. The second year was even more intense, I lived with the two most perfect roommates, slept a lot, got a little depressed as I really started to realize how different I truly was meant to be from who I had been for my whole life. I continued growing, I continued searching, I continued learning, and I still continued pleaseing others because I couldn't give it up yet.

Lately, I've been letting that go...I've been doing what I need to do for me. It's not that I am trying to be rude, it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't hear you or love you or need you...it's that in order for me to really find balance in my life, I have to know my extremes. I have to have experienced the full range to truly know where I fit. When you swing a pendulum it takes a while before it calms down and finds its place...I'm swinging right now and soon I will find my balance. I'm not asking to be forgiven, I'm not asking for patience while I struggle with these tests..I don't ask for anything.

I'm starting be see who Lindsey really is. I'm starting to recognize my role as a servant of Baha'u'llah, as a woman, as a human, as a drop of one ocean...
The closer and closer I come to understanding myself the more I will be able to reconnect with my friends, these past few months I have been going through an internal cleaning like never before. I've thrown out as many preconcieved notions, judgements, ideas, etc about who I am as I can and I have been starting from scratch learning who I am. It's been quite the journey thus far and I can only imagine what is to come. I've come to realize that what people think and say about me really holds no validity to who and what my true nature is, what's more is that what I think and say about myself also holds no validity to who and what my true nature is either...I am what I am, I'm becoming what I am supposed to become, I'm just trying to best understand that as much as possible.
I'm far...far away from the Truth, but I'm reaching with all I have for it.
I'm detached from my ideas, I'm detached from my plans, which is why they change so much...I'm really listening to my intuition lately, and it's been getting me pretty far. People will be hurt, definately not my intention, but when I have to choose between doing what's right for me, and what's right for them...ultimately what's right for me is what's right for them...me being true to myself may cause a pain in someone else, but that's their test, that's their chance to shine, to grow, to be truly themselves as well. "Beware lest ye offend anyone's heart." The heart and the ego are not the same thing, and, personally, I have to check myself to clarify whether it's my heart or ego that's hurt when someone does something I feel isn't thoughtful...the majority of the time it's my ego...

I love you all. I really really do...

I will be leaving Chicago for South Africa on the 20th of May, and I won't be coming back...I'll explain why later...

taking down the walls and barriers around my heart is the most empowering and freeing things I've ever experienced...

I really like helping people...this is a vague statement. Everything we do helps someone, even if we don't think so, from every statement we make, to every smile we flash. From every seemingly hurtful comment to every avoided look...everything we do assists someone in their personal growth. It's up to each and every one of us as individuals to assess the level of growth we feel we are going through. Personally if I don't feel I am growing, I have to check myself, because the only reason I could possibly have for not growing lies in me and what I am doing with all of the lessons I am being given...
I really like helping people...my vague statement is completely true. I am trying very hard to be true to myself, and that sometimes leads to others being hurt. I am also trying to not take that hurt personally, because I know the reasons why I am doing what I am doing, and I also know that by being true to myself I am assisting myself in the growth process as well as the other person(s).
I really like helping people...a young man came into the Temple today needing to talk to someone. He is a new Baha'i, homeless, was shot in the head a few years back and suffers from paranoia and is bipolar. I talked with him for about 45 minutes and saw the Beauty of Baha'u'llah in his eyes. I don't know how much I was able to help him, but I hope to see him around again, I hope that other people will look at him as a beautiful example of the purity of this Faith and be able to connect with him through that rather than feeling that because of the things he has gone through it's impossible to relate.
I really like helping people, but more than that, I really love feeling connected with people...

Once I get to the airport I am fine....but because it is snowing...MY WORD, I am anxious!!

Everything in my life is beautiful. I have these amazing plans, I'm focused and pursuing the things I feel my talents and abilities can best be put to service through, I'm happy, working on the health part, etc...


But the coolest thing in all of this, the thing that was first brought to my attention by an act done by two very beautiful and giving souls, is that I recognize that the blessings I'm being given are you...the people in my life. The things I do, the places I go, the service I offer means nothing without you.
The plans that I have for myself are all great and well, but I am not attached to them at all, by the grace of God I recognize that the important thing is to follow God's Will. And by being detached from the outcome or even the occurrence of the details of my life I am free to see the gifts that are all around me, at this very moment...you. My time is not spent focused on what is out there, the possibilities, that's where expectations and preconceived notions come from, and those lead to let downs and missed opportunities, but what's more is that by focusing too much on the future I would be missing my life...and the reason I am here is to serve, to strive with all I have in me to know and love God...and it is my desire to know and love God through association with the people in my life. For you all teach me things. You all bring love to my life, joy to my world, comfort to my soul.

Thank you all for your support. Thank you all for being you.

my life is remarkable right now, and it has been for quite a while. I can't remember the last time I could even think of anything worthy of a complaint! For the longest time I didn't know what I was going to be doing with my life, I had ideas about what I feel I am capable of, things I am interested in, etc. But nothing concrete, mostly abstract 'feelings' and 'thoughts', nothing formulated...that is all changing now. As I have been taking time for ME, learning who I am as a servant, an individual, and a woman things have become more solidified...here is a brief description of the upcoming events leading to my future career:

February 15-19 Mediation Certification through the LA Mediation Project and the Baha'i Justice Society

April 20-22 Religious Communicators Council Annual Convention, possibly on a scholarship

May 20-31 Diplomacy Delegate to South Africa to observe the conflict resolution develpments and meet with Parliament

June 2007 Move to LA and hopefully work for the LA Mediation Project for a year

August 2008 Attend school at the California Institute of Integral Studies to finish my undergrad in Interdiciplinary Studies (a combo of religion/psychology/sociology/education) IMMEDIATELY followed by attending the graduate degree program at CIIS for Transformation Leadership

After all of this, and granted this is all very far in the future and a lot can change in two years, I'm thinking about going to George Mason University for the Graduate Program entitled "World Religions, Diplomacy, and Conflict Resolution" HOW PERFECT IS THIS!?!?!?!

So this is what I am working towards, a career that contains these three areas...basically the psychology of it all, how religion, diplomacy, and conflict resolution are connected. I'm very excited about the prospect, and at the same time totally detached from my plans because I know that if Baha'u'llah has something else in store for me, that is ultimately what I want to be doing!

I love you all!!!

So I've been having major health issues over the past 6 months. None of which I have really explained to anyone, mostly because I haven't known what is going on exactly, and I don't like people worrying about me.

BUT...I'm finally figuring things out! I've had a few Dr. appointments already, and I have two more to go until there is conclusive results, but basically I will finally be able to get better! (which has to happen before I go to Africa!)

WOOOOHOOOO!!!

to South Africa...


this is huge

Why is it that I can say anything I need to say when it is written/typed? But when it comes to SPEAKING I can't seem to find the words? What is it exactly about speaking that makes me feel so rediculiously vulnerable? What is it about the questions people throw at me because they don't understand what it is that I am saying that takes me to a place of insecurity? Why do I let the fact that some people just don't get my way of thinking/processing/conveying weigh on how I view myself?...and it's not just that, or rather that isn't really the issue. The issue is all in me. It has nothing to do 'them' and has everything to do with me and my issues regarding time, my voice, and organized thoughts...here's what I've just realized due to an encounter today. I, in the past, haven't been able to react in situations where I feel my words are being challenged. Normally my brain freezes up and nothing happens in my head, I just sit there...air...but now, because I've been tested and I have been working on this daily I have reached a place where I can think in situations where I'm being called to explain in greater detail the things I say. This is HUGE for me, it may not sound like a big thing, but trust me, my voice is my number one test coming this far after battling and dealing with different layers of this onion my whole life is a very big deal. So, today, I thought that my slowness in responding to questions, and my unsatisfactory answers were due to how i tend to not analyze my feelings, I just am aware of them, they just are...but for someone who is very logical and can't understand how that is possible it is very difficult to express why it is I am like this. So after the conversation, that lasted 2 hours, not only was it difficult because I was having to explain myself the whole time, but I was doing so at work so everyone around could hear what I was talking about on the phone, I am a private person, and besides the fact that it's difficult to explain myself, having my co-workers listening to only one side of a very difficult conversation was HELL...but good, because it was a challenge that really helped me...because after I cried a little and prayed a little I realized that I actually am slow in responding, and have a hard time because there is SOOO much I want to say that I pick and choose pieces of the information in a very scatterbrained way, so it comes across messy and incomplete, while in my head it makes perfect sense...SO...this is what I am working on...being organized in my delivery of thoughts...taking the time to really say all that it is that I have to say. (Before I wouldn't allow myself time to talk, now I am making myself take as much time as necessary, GROWTH IS GREAT!!)

Anywho...this test was very difficult, but well worth the pain to realize, and focus my energy to where it needs to be.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

so after returning from the farm life, visiting the family, seeing the boy, experiencing the old in a new way...i have come to many realizations about how i view the world, myself, my place in it, my family, and specifically my father...

so many things I have been writing about in the past few months talk about heart break, childhood trama, letting go of the past, living in the moment, etc...and I finally was able to go home and practice all I had been thinking, formulating, and talking about. Let deeds, not words, be your adorning right? So I did it. I went back to the place I grew up, I experienced it, and observed myself in the situations and the environment I was in, and I remained detached from it all in a way that allowed me to be present under ever circumstance. I felt very connected to my family in a way I have never been able to before. I feel like I have reached a place of contentment with myself, and in understanding me better, others are more capable of also understanding me and how I relate to them has also become...more advanced persay.

An example, the main change actually deals with my father. Before I have talked about my dad being a magician with words in the worst way, being the 'bad man' or the 'tramatized guy' but never just my father...and for the first time in my life, I looked at him and saw just that. I saw him as my father, nothing more, nothing less. He became a child of God to me, and as I looked at him, and talked to him, I saw him as a simple farm guy, scared of everything, and putting on a mask to hid his shame. I felt a bit of pity, and then let it go. Suddenly, with the realization with who I am as a person, and not giving him power over me, I was able to see him as who he was always meant to be seen...or maybe not, maybe i needed to see him as i was seeing him to get to this point...either way it is irrelevant, because the fact of the matter is I have completely overcome this haunting demon in my closet. I no longer feel that my personhood is threatened by him, or by anyone...and I thank Baha'u'llah for the strength to come to this place, and ask for the courage to keep moving forward to new places, new discoveries, new territory, new tests, new realizations, new, new, new...

i'm going home tomorrow...
what does that mean?
What I actually am saying is that I am flying from Chicago to Omaha to be with my family for a week, but does that mean I am going home?
I actually don't know, because on one hand I will be where I grew up with the people I grew up with. On the other hand, it isn't my life anymore, and holding on to it would only make the life I have now seem secondary to a memory, I don't want that...
i'm going to my parent's house tomorrow...
that's really what I am doing...and yet, it feels like I will be home, because that comfort of family will be there, the cutting of my sisters hair, the oh-so familiar smell of my dad's cooking, the constant sounds coming from the tv that is never turned off, all of the 'familiar' memories that i WANT to be comfortable before I actually arrive, but once I get there don't seem to be...
I am leaving for a week...
that's what I am doing, I am leaving this place I am currently residing for a week to spend time with those people who KNEW me the best two years ago, but now don't, and some of them choose not to even try to learn who I am now.
I'm living my life, and tomorrow I will be living it in a different state! HAHA...that's what I am doing. I am live in the present, and my home is actually Baha'u'llah, so no matter where I am, I am home. For the ONLY thing I am certain of in this life, is that the love that Baha'u'llah has for me will never change, and it is the ONLY thing no one can ever take from me.

I am going home tomorrow, to my parent's house, to my family who has held on the the 'idea' of who Lindsey is for far too long...I am ready to show them my Truth.

I wrote these at an open mic...read the previous blog post for more information.

I am a good person,
I have to believe that inspite of all I believe
I am of pure heart,
And behind these frozen eyes you will find me whole.
Behind this abscent smile, this constantly changing hair cut and color, this make-up, these clothes, this facade of a personality
I recognize my truth, my character, my Reality
I see yours in you too...
You are a good person
Inspite of how you are percieved, by me, by he, by she
Our perceptions are abscentmided judgements
Judgements are irresponsible actions we all make when we are our of step with ourselves
For I am a whole person...and so are you
Noble even, beautiful, perfect
Take a look around, open your eyes to the world and
Observe, I am the metaphor for spiritual reality
Observe, you are the metaphor for God's Kingdom on earth.
We all play our role, we all play a part, we all suffer to be exalted.
Behind my tortured eyes I am strong
I have been to hell and back
Yesterday it was fire and brimstone, pain, neglect, hate and lies
Today it is that I see Baha'u'llah everywhere...I just don't always recognize Him.
It's not that I am lost, I never really was
It's that this world, this metaphor of a world has become a literal shithole and I let myself become blind...I fell asleep.
So I looked in the mirror, cut off my hair, and woke up...

I fall in love everyday with you
You, every one of you
your heart
your thoughts
your pure voice
your intentions
your insights
your vision
your tears
your struggles
your failures
your anger
your effort
your words
your strength
your past
your future
your life
your smile
your soul
your power
your creativitiy
your humor
your family
your laugh
your trustworthiness
your compassion
your resentment
you, every one of you...I am in love with
your frailty
your mistakes
your victories
your stubborness
your hands
your sensitivities
your beauty
your hopes
your dreams
your forgiveness
your justice
your reality
your light
you...I love you, as purely and truly as I am capable of...
for everyday that I grow is a chance to see you anew...
and fall in love with you all over again.

I wrote last night...for the first time in three years...I don't know why really. I was at the Open Mic at the Chicago Baha'i Center and Emil was hosting. He said that he was going to call on people, and if they didn't have something to perform they could sing a christmas song...I didn't want to sing, that's too much for me so I found some paper and a pencil and started writing. I wrote two pieces, and I will post them shortly, but for now I just needed to say thank you to everyone who was there on Friday the 22nd for making me feel so loved.

I read last night...for the first time in three years...I don't know why really. I wanted to read them, I didn't even go over them before I did, and I wanted to thank Lauren for suggesting that I go up. This process I am currently going through is one that I can't explain anymore than I have ever been able too...the difference is that I want to try...

words have never been my favorite thing. I have a love/hate relationship with language. Obviously it's the way we communicate our thoughts, or feelings, our insights, our ideas and such, and I have never considered myself good at this. My biggest test is time and language, my biggest test is allowing myself the opportunity to speak my truth. My biggest test is beliving that I am somehow worth your time...
words have never been my thing. I love listening to people, I love listening to their stories, their dreams, their histories, their thoughts, their view of the world...and yet, for some reason, I have never thought anyone would ever want to hear mine...so i don't talk...and in not talking i say a lot, and it isn't the truth.
I have a lot to say, I have a lot to offer, I have a lot to give besides being a shoulder to cry on, besides being an ear to listen and understand...my opinions, my beliefs, my voice is just as important as anyones, and i know this, i believe this, but i'm having difficuties practicing this...

words have never been my thing. besides not allowing myself the time to talk for fear of taking up someone else's valuable time, i can never find the words to adequately express what i would like to get across. some say i do just fine at this, but in my heart i know that i have more to say, i know that i have more to offer, i just haven't found the proper means of expression, the correct conglomeration of letters to spit out in hopes of it making sense to someone, anyone really...

i used to write all the time...it was a daily ritual, then suddenly i stopped...i wrote last night for the first time in three years, i read last night for the first time in three years...i allowed myself time, i gave myself permission to use yours...so thank you for listening.

I'm about to explode due to the greatness of life
I'm about to embark on a journey that will last four days
I'm about to recognize just how awesome I am
I'm about to relive moments from my past inorder to create new moments now
I'm about to let down some walls for good
I'm about to radiate
I'm about to smile for the rest of my life
I'm about to dance for my roommate
I'm about to laugh at the clouds
I'm about to sing in public
I'm about to fall in love all over again, everyday
I'm about to define myself without words
I'm about to open my heart to you
I'm about to stop waiting
I'm about to start doing

I am me

1.Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Live Journal?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

WOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!


I'm moved into my new place! I'm living with Jessica in Evanston. It's really a relief to be closer to work and in a bedroom with a door!

Although I will be missing my Jinous very much, I am quite happy!